New Leaf?

So... Back home and whats the difference? It goes up and down and up and down and in the back of my head theres always the one thought...
What have I done to myself?
All the decisions made, all the mistakes that follow, what do they add up to? I'm trying so hard. Ignoring the voice in the back of my mind, trying to be happy and not pick fights to just fight. Something is wrong, something is missing. Is it because this is just wrong or is it because I'm making it wrong?
I understand that life right now is not where I want it to be, not what I thought it would be. But damn, thats life. Its so easy to say that because I don't have the job I want that I'm upset. I dont feel like I'm contributing to anything successful and it bothers the shit out of me. I could chalk all that up to why I'm so upset.
How do you give up the life you thought you'd have, the person you thought you would be and the person you thought you would end up with? I cannot do this. I cannot figure this out. There is noone to talk to that would understand because things are so clear one way or the other.

Small town life

It seriously feels so weird to look around this town. It's so easy to see the low expectations, the half assed jobs. I wonder if I had stayed and not followed Kevin to Georgia where I would be now. When I left here I was offered a job at a little truffle shop but I didnt take it, I wonder what could of come of that. If I hadnt left I never would be with Tim now. I wouldnt have learned Kevin wasn't the right person for me after all, I wouldnt of learned I was strong enough to follow my own heart. Even with the awful consequences that came after.
Everyone keeps telling me life is full of lessons, every bad thing that happens will only make you stronger. When will I feel strong? How much can go wrong before the good outweighs the bad?
I think I know a few ways to get on the right path, to get my life to where I will be happy but I'm scared to make those decisions. What if instead of wondering if I can do it I discover I CANT? I know I'll never know until I try but I have all these ideas just bombarding my brain all the time and I dont know where to start. Its hard enough to just figure out what each individual thought is. I'm tired of making plans about what I'll do, I'm ready to just DO it.

Bear Hunting

So although Mom and I were eager to see a bear the closest we came was some gross bear poop... Lady rolled in it but that was the extent of fun. When we were done we ate some questionable soup and then left. Mom and I went downtown to look around so I could take some pictures and we ended up seeing 17 Again. It was way better than I thought it would be. Its so awkward being alone with her. I hate that but I guess we never bonded when I was younger? Also, maybe I'll just never get over feeling like the wasted child when next to Kt. I'll never understand how she gets everything she wants without asking while I struggle.
Bah. The inadequacies of childhood never go away. :)

As far as my goals for Thursday go, I never made the brownies. I will hopefully today though. Robs truck is getting a camper shell put on right now but when its done were going shooting. And by shooting I mean I will look at the gun in my hand like its a disease as I try desperately to look like I retained the information about how to aim. Should I miraculously hit anything I will (carefully) put the gun down and do a happy dance. I have no desire to know how to shoot a gun EXCEPT for just in case the zombie apocalypse happens. In that event, stand behind me for I will lead the way.
I applied for a few jobs... Stuff for nanny positions mostly. There are two families looking for summer help which would be fine but there is one family starting in August that I really want. They would pay about what I was making before plus since it starts so late I could work at the day camp. That is, if I get hired there. Also, should I choose to go to college this job would have pretty easy hours to work around...


I wish life was easier. I want someone to just tell me what I should do so that I'll be happy and accomplished and fulfilled. I wish I didn't feel so lost every single day.