New Leaf?

So... Back home and whats the difference? It goes up and down and up and down and in the back of my head theres always the one thought...
What have I done to myself?
All the decisions made, all the mistakes that follow, what do they add up to? I'm trying so hard. Ignoring the voice in the back of my mind, trying to be happy and not pick fights to just fight. Something is wrong, something is missing. Is it because this is just wrong or is it because I'm making it wrong?
I understand that life right now is not where I want it to be, not what I thought it would be. But damn, thats life. Its so easy to say that because I don't have the job I want that I'm upset. I dont feel like I'm contributing to anything successful and it bothers the shit out of me. I could chalk all that up to why I'm so upset.
How do you give up the life you thought you'd have, the person you thought you would be and the person you thought you would end up with? I cannot do this. I cannot figure this out. There is noone to talk to that would understand because things are so clear one way or the other.