Pneumonia

So I've definitely calmed down since that last post. Tim, Jon, and Corey are all going to sit down Tuesday and talk about the lease. I know Tim doesn't want to live with Jon for just a 6 month period because it would cost too much but I hope Jon doesn't talk him into anything. I know it's a possibility. Tim is just the type of guy who wants everyone to love him, he never wants to rock the boat. I guess I cant really be too mad about that considering it's one of the reasons I love him.
Anyway. Wednesday night I woke up coughing really bad and I ended up hurting my back. While I was coughing I heard something kind of pop but just ignored it. I've been having such a hard time sleeping I just wanted to get back to bed as fast as possible.
Saturday I had a job interview for a family with a 2 year old. They have a 2 year old and he was sooooo cute. He was a premature baby though so he only weighs 20 pounds. That's so freaking little for a 2 year old! They had specifically said in their add they needed someone who wasn't prone to getting sick because he can so easily be affected so Saturday I had to try so hard to not cough in front of them. Half way through the interview though my back started hurting so badly it was almost impossible to ignore.
By the time I got in my car after leaving the interview I was in tears because of my back. I couldn't stand up straight and I could barely breathe. Every breath I took was labored and shallow. The half hour drive back to my house was almost too much. While I was talking to Connie about the interview I tried to cough and it hurt so much it brought tears to my eyes so having enough of that I went to the doctor (finally).
Luckily the urgent care doesn't charge more for weekend visits cause I could not of waited till Monday. The doctor made a joke about me cracking a rib Wednesday from coughing but after the x rays came back (nothing was cracked thank goodness!) he said he noticed some fluid and it was a good thing I came in cause they caught it early. I feel like shit so if this is early then I can't imagine what full blown pneumonia would feel like. :/
For the first time I am glad I don't have work tomorrow.

Handstands

I'm so pissed and confused. Jon was supposed to move out in October so that he could marry LauraBeth and then I was gonna move in with Tim. Not necessarily in the apartment he lives in now but together either way. Corey and Tim have talked about the 3 of us living together and I thought that was fine. Then all of a sudden Jon said last night that he told LauraBeth hes gonna wait a semester. So now, I have to wait a semester. What the Fuck. No.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
So its great to know the contingency of us moving in together is based on Jon's shitty excuse for a relationship with LB. And fuck everyone for just sitting around and letting life happen instead of actually trying to do something or voicing what they want.

I have already said numerous times that come October I won't be doing this anymore. I wont be staying every single night at Tim's. I wont continue feeling like my house is not my home. I don't have a fucking home in Georgia because I put everything on hold, I put almost all my friends behind the idea of what I thought our relationship represented. It all means nothing because its just all based on everyone else's opinions. Theres not one damn thing I can do about any of it now except fulfill the threats I've been saying for the past 6 months.
On Monday I'm gonna get most of my stuff out of here, no longer will it look like where I live. Just a place I visit. It's entirely too comfortable to just be here every day because I have enough changes of clothes. I'm no longer doing the dishes, no longer doing the laundry. I will hence forth be a guest and only an occasional guest. Its bullshit to expect otherwise or participate in such a "luxury" if I'm still bitching and moaning about it.

In October it will of been an entire YEAR I've been living as a hobo just to make things easier on him. Just because my house might be boring. Too damn bad.


It's all just too fucking bad.

Chloe and Lyla

Babysat yesterday and it went really well. There was a 5 year old and an 11 month old. They were so cute and sweet. It really made the job a lot easier. Lyla was the smaller one and she just crawled/walked all around the house putting every little thing in her mouth. Chloe was a good big sister. She kept holding Lyla and saying "pretty baby". It was really adorable. The best part about the whole thing was I was being paid $12.50 and hour and at the end of it the dad gave me a $25 tip! I couldn't believe it. I'm still shocked but really thankful. I would of said something but I didn't look at the check he handed me until I was in the car because I didn't want to look rude.
Talked to Jamie for a while yesterday about her marriage with Chris. It makes me so sad to hear how torn up she is. They both want things to work out but for one reason or another I just don't think it will. Either they'll do the grown up thing and declare each other unhappy and get a divorce or they'll just be too scared of potentially being alone and also being the person who made that happen by being the one who said divorce to begin with. Its just so sad.
We also talked about the whole me living with Tim thing. His lease is up in October and Jon has already said he wont be renewing the lease but Corey does want to still live with Tim. Tim asked if I would be ok with living with him and Corey and where I don't have a problem with it at all, it is a little weird because when we talk about it its incredibly awkward. It's like both of us don't want to think about it or address it. It's what I thought I wanted but now that it's coming up its scarier then I thought it would be.

To medicate or not to medicate...

Fathers day was nice. I love Tim's family so much. He made dinner for all of us and we just hung out at the house. It was really nice but it makes me miss my dad a lot. I wish I could call him when he's in Iraq, it'd be really nice to hear his voice more than once every 2 or 3 months. I sent him an email, hopefully it wont take too long for him to get back to me.
I worked Saturday for a catering job. It was for 9 hours but felt like way more. My back still hurts from it! It was a wedding for about 130 people but the woman I worked for made enough of everything for at least 200 people. Also she was very unorganized which was annoying. I kept waiting for her to get mad because I wasn't doing one of her vague commands the correct way. She wasted money by making so much food because at the end of the night it was just all thrown away. Also, by being so unorganized we all had to work longer hours. If she just had better time management she wouldn't of had to pay us for such long hours. But hey, I made $90 so its cool. I'm really not complaining.
I have a babysitting job tomorrow and then after that Jamie, Avis, and I are going to get dinner and drinks. It's Avis' birthday so I'm excited. The only problem is yesterday I started feeling sick and today my head is so awful. Tim got me some medicine after dinner with his family and its helped but today every time I get up I feel like I'm gonna black out and get so dizzy. It sucks. Regardless, I will be working that babysitting job tomorrow. No. Matter. What.
Also, I have an interview for a nanny job on Saturday. I'm really looking forward to it despite being extremely nervous. Its for a family with 3 dogs (yay!) and an infant boy. He was born really premature so hell be little. I bet hes adorable. After working with Maddie and Molly for so long I'm not too worried about this kid. They were premature and tough also in the beginning but it got better, he'll be fine too.
I'm really trying to be more optimistic but it's so hard. I cry almost every day, I have panic attacks at least once a day, and lately I've found myself day dreaming suicidal thoughts. Not actually thinking about suicide but more of how life would be after I wasn't around. It's not unsettling to have the thoughts, its unsettling how comforting they are. I know that given my medical history its not smart to ignore these things but thinking of going to the doctor seems like the dumbest idea. It doesn't make sense considering every other time I've gone I haven't stuck with it. Clearly something is wrong with the medication they give or I'd still be on it.
Whats worse? Crying every day, panic attacks that come on from something as simple as the thought of driving, getting out of control angry over nothing, thinking of suicide in a familiar and comfortable way or taking medication that will alter my personality so that I'm neither happy or sad, that will make me feel sick all the time and suppress my appetite but somehow make me gain weight, and that won't let me drink without a lecture from anyone around.
I'd rather just deal with how i feel now.

i wanna dance in the kitchen again
with the snow melting off our hair
with puddles for spotlights
and no reason to care
i miss lounging on the couch
debating what to do
i miss being able to fall asleep
wrapped up in you...
i want to wake up with you beside me
with a smile on my face
but the climate here is wrong
and i know its not my place
lately ive been dreaming
of what our future would be
and its so clear but its so blurry
sometimes hard to see
all i know is what i feel
and i feel like part of me is wrong
cause its stuck here, trapped here
waiting and hoping not for long
i wanna dance in the kitchen
after weve just run in from snow
after weve determined again
to stay in rather then go..
i wanna argue over movies
listen as you tell a story
watch as you get excited
be a part of all your glory
mostly i just want to be near you
to know its all gonna be right
cause the hope of the dream
is what gives me a light...

Fresh Start

No really. I mean it. Redo.

Still applying for jobs. Its really taking longer than I thought it would but whatever. I'm going to be positive. Positive positive positive... :D

We'll see how long that happens...