Fathers day was nice. I love Tim's family so much. He made dinner for all of us and we just hung out at the house. It was really nice but it makes me miss my dad a lot. I wish I could call him when he's in Iraq, it'd be really nice to hear his voice more than once every 2 or 3 months. I sent him an email, hopefully it wont take too long for him to get back to me.
I worked Saturday for a catering job. It was for 9 hours but felt like way more. My back still hurts from it! It was a wedding for about 130 people but the woman I worked for made enough of everything for at least 200 people. Also she was very unorganized which was annoying. I kept waiting for her to get mad because I wasn't doing one of her vague commands the correct way. She wasted money by making so much food because at the end of the night it was just all thrown away. Also, by being so unorganized we all had to work longer hours. If she just had better time management she wouldn't of had to pay us for such long hours. But hey, I made $90 so its cool. I'm really not complaining.
I have a babysitting job tomorrow and then after that Jamie, Avis, and I are going to get dinner and drinks. It's Avis' birthday so I'm excited. The only problem is yesterday I started feeling sick and today my head is so awful. Tim got me some medicine after dinner with his family and its helped but today every time I get up I feel like I'm gonna black out and get so dizzy. It sucks. Regardless, I will be working that babysitting job tomorrow. No. Matter. What.
Also, I have an interview for a nanny job on Saturday. I'm really looking forward to it despite being extremely nervous. Its for a family with 3 dogs (yay!) and an infant boy. He was born really premature so hell be little. I bet hes adorable. After working with Maddie and Molly for so long I'm not too worried about this kid. They were premature and tough also in the beginning but it got better, he'll be fine too.
I'm really trying to be more optimistic but it's so hard. I cry almost every day, I have panic attacks at least once a day, and lately I've found myself day dreaming suicidal thoughts. Not actually thinking about suicide but more of how life would be after I wasn't around. It's not unsettling to have the thoughts, its unsettling how comforting they are. I know that given my medical history its not smart to ignore these things but thinking of going to the doctor seems like the dumbest idea. It doesn't make sense considering every other time I've gone I haven't stuck with it. Clearly something is wrong with the medication they give or I'd still be on it.
Whats worse? Crying every day, panic attacks that come on from something as simple as the thought of driving, getting out of control angry over nothing, thinking of suicide in a familiar and comfortable way or taking medication that will alter my personality so that I'm neither happy or sad, that will make me feel sick all the time and suppress my appetite but somehow make me gain weight, and that won't let me drink without a lecture from anyone around.
I'd rather just deal with how i feel now.
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